When I become emperor, my first order of business will be the total overhaul of television news.

Extraneous personal commentary on the temperature and weather will be outlawed. Data will be read and weather pattern charts will be shown without editorialization, without perky comments and without judgement. Smiling during weather reports will be eliminated.

Precipitation will be referred to as a “storm” only when it is, in fact, storm like.

Additionally, tracking shots of reporters strolling down streets or through the newsroom will be banned. Ian Hanomansing will no longer be allowed to wander aimlessly through rows of cubicles, searching for, but never quite reaching any destination in particular. He will be forcibly tethered to a chair in front of a nondescript background. He will not be allowed access to any kind of interactive “magical” board either.

Reporters will be tasked with listening to their own words as they say them rather than filling in “news like” cadences with “newsy” words.

If there is nothing to be said, no one will say anything. In fact, each 24 hour news channel will be subject to a 20% total silence quota for each day.

When I become emperor, I will additionally outlaw any perfume or scented lotion that can be smelled at a distance greater that 30 cm from the body. Coconut or fruit inspired perfumes will be destroyed. Any such fragrance worn on public transportation, particularly during the morning hours, will be viewed as the intentional and flagrant skirting of the law and will be punished accordingly.

Also, peeing on a public toilet seat will be a capital offense.

When I become emperor, this country will be a better place for the little man who fits in this sweater. He just doesn’t know it yet. He’ll thank me later, I’m sure.

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• Pattern: Henry’s Sweater. (Made for a baby named Henry!!)
• Size: Larger size, 6-12 months, but my gauge was tight so it came out closer to the 3-6 month size
• Yarn: 100% Wool: Patons Classic Wool Worsted, Colour 224 Grey Mix, lot 244077?
• Needles: 4mm, with some use of 3.75mm on purl rows to try to combat my rowing out.
• Notes: Not a terrible pattern (it’s free after all), but really not the best. No final measurements are given which is a bit frustrating: babies are a strange and mysterious shape. The buttonholes have you cast off then cast back on: I “yo and k2tog”-ed instead. I added a garter border to the front flaps as well: the pattern doesn’t have you do anything to the edge to prevent rolling.

I was feeling a bit self-conscious about my loose purl rows while I knit this. The slightly smaller needles helped, but didn’t totally eliminate the problem and all I could see were stubborn stripes every place I had knitted flat.

As I finished up the little cardigan, I happened to be lent a copy of Yarn-i-tec-ture: A knitter’s guide to spinning: building exactly the yarn you want. A serendipitous gift because… what do pages 122-123 contain? Pictures of sample after sample of obviously loose purl rows in stockinette! Loose purl rows in a glossy hardcover! Photographed and printed like it was totally normal and cool!

I felt better.